Pack-Ratters Take Hope!

One of my best friends once told me that he'd never met a man who could completely fill a four-car garage with junk until he met me. I'm not too sure it was a compliment. He's told me three times now. Once for every time he visited me in my garage. I've tried explaining to him that my garage is infested with very large packrats and that matter how many traps I set the junk just keeps piling up. I even mentioned it to my exterminator guy but he has no sense of humor at all. He killed off all the spiders, bees and ants but had nothing to offer for giant packrats but for the fact that, "there's no way packrats could carry four sets of fifteen inch steel auto wheel rims and stack them in the corner like that". I was shocked. I had no idea that I had all those wheel rims in there. I wonder who did the stacking?

Pack-ratting is a contagious hereditary anomaly. Pack-ratters have an extra brain section. While most humans have a right brain region and left brain region, scientists have proven, or will soon prove, that pack-ratters have a third region of brain tissue known as the Anteriormightneedit lobe of the brain. It is usually situated in the very farthest back storage regions of the victim's head or at the very tip-top attic region of the brain. True pack-ratters never fill their weekly curbside two-bags-of-garbage quota and never hold garage sales. They do however love to get more stuff at garage sales. My mom is the queen of all pack-ratters. I told her that when she goes home to her final rest that we are just going to pack her entire house up in a giant paper bag and sell it at auction on eBay as the world's largest grab-bag. Now don't get me wrong. Pack-ratting can come in handy from time to time. My mom had six kids and a bunch of grandkids to cloth so pack-ratting helped ends meet for many years. And besides, every pack-ratter will tell you that the minute you throw something out you'll surely need it the following week, or month or year……..

Ah! But I am here to testify…….there is hope! Last month I had a vision! It came to me while lying face down on the concrete floor of my garage, whereto I had just fallen after stumbling over a giant nylon kite I threw in there two years ago being confident that one day my grandson might like to fly it. Of course my grandson was not yet born, but you never know. The full vision came to me as I lifted my head up to let out my groan of agony. There withy my eyes lifted up I looked around and realized that if I got rid of some stuff I could probably put a real car in that same building! And so my road to recovery had begun. My newfound zeal for spacious freedom happened to coincide with the most beautiful ten days of April weather any of us have ever seen. And so for days upon days I began hauling it all to the curb. I put a "FREE" sign on most of it and it was gone within hours. What was left I hauled over to Gone2Market and sold it online. Someone else out there in the world thought my junk was worth real money. Those packrats are everywhere! Here's wishing you all a happy prosperous spring-cleaning season! And if you're looking to turn your pack-ratting into some extra vacation cash check out your newest Alle-Kiski Today advertising sponsor, Gone2Market. Read the story on page ___ or see the ad on the inside back cover.